Friday, January 13, 2017


Rochelt fruit brandies are so wonderful I’m positive they can heal wounds inflicted by mythical creatures that would otherwise be lethal. Got a super-infected Cajun Werewolf bite on your leg? Tell the Loup Garou to fuck off to its stupid face as it runs from the dawn. Pour half an ounce of Rochelt Elderberry on the bite, cover it in gauze and go about your business. Not only will you survive and not be turned, but you'll feel rested and alert. Are vampires tearing your city apart? Is society descending into chaos as they storm police headquarters, feeding on the brave men and women who dared to stay behind? Conventional ammunition is useless- the creatures heal immediately. Mix a little agar with your Rochelt, and use the tip of a small knife to scoop the solidified Rochelt into the concave tip of your hollow-point bullets. If you run, you can make it to battle in time to turn the tide. Kick the door in, and shoot a vampire in the face with a .45 caliber bullet laced with Rochelt Gravenstein apple brandy. As their body burns, it smells like sweet, juicy cider. Take back your city.

Look at this fucking bottle. Keep looking. Never stop looking.
They’re ground up jewels that you can drink. They’re promises of a better tomorrow from fairy godmothers. These brandies shouldn’t exist, and it breaks my heart every time I hold those perfect bottles in my hands and smell the impossibly dense and smooth liquor inside. What is it with those perfect bottle tops? Are they keys? Am I even ready to see what’s behind the doors they open? I am not ready. I will never be ready and it’s not going to stop me from going through.

The hideous expense of selecting perfectly ripe fruit from dozens of growers captivates my imagination. These raspberries aren’t perfect enough for our brandy production but we made you this decent raspberry cobbler. You’d take a bite and weep, knowing that the Rochelt family discarded more decadent fruit than you’ve ever actually tasted. Did the pie make you sad? No, you choke out between sobs. It was to touch true happiness, if for but a second.

To say they taste like their distillate base fruit doesn’t feel accurate. This is hyper real cherry flavor. If actual cherries tasted like Rochelt Morello Cherry brandy, people would be invading countries when they find out they have vast untapped cherry orchards. “No war for cherries”, the college students would chant during their useless demonstrations. Halliburton would lead the cherry orchard service industry, and receive decadent government contracts to grow and enrich cherries to simply be evaluated by Rochelt, with no guarantee they will be accepted. The ebb and flow of cherry production would drive the global economy, and the fate of the human race.

How many cherries go into making just 375ml of brandy? We don’t know for sure, but scientists estimate it’s between 300 and 400 quadrillion cherries per bottle. It's a big number.

I get the suspicion beings from a higher plane of existence left this stuff in our crappy universe on accident. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m not bringing this hypothesis to the theoretical physics community though, because I try not to question good things. Is it expensive? Yes- it’s frighteningly expensive. But give it a break; shipping costs get wacky when your perfect, ethereal brandy has to pass through the fucking Stargate unharmed.

I’ve been thinking a lot about inter-dimensional travel lately. Specifically, I wonder how long I could steal wine and liquor allocations from myself and my peers in alternate realities before they come hunting for me in my home dimension. I think there was a Jet Li movie about something like that (it had more to do with kung-fu than wine buying).

Walking the warehouse of every possible world
Rochelt though. It’s one of those things I get up for in the morning. The excitement of new alcohols is literally the only thing that carries me forward in life. Working in a bar, wearing pants, being nice to people and not biting them, getting haircuts somewhat regularly- it’s all to one end.

I’m very lucky to have a job that gives me the ability to obtain rare and exotic stuff like Rochelt. It’s a once in a lifetime beverage, and I only bought one bottle for Public Services. Anvil and Eight Row flint bought all four bottles that were offered to Texas, and in hindsight I feel slightly cowardly for not having gone all in. I’m not sweating it. We’ll bring the hammer down next time. Those places are still selling them, at really incredible prices.

Rochelt is truly magnificent. I’m so grateful to have glimpsed its sublime beauty. Find it if you can. Steal it from yourself on the other side. Run from your fate as long as you can, as long as there is more brandy to drink.

Rochelt is imported to the US by PM Spirits.

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