The Most Interesting Wine in The World

As much as I love the “Most Interesting Man in the World” ad campaign, it’s maddening to me. Its like, look at this guy, who makes Hemmingway look like some kind of loser wallflower. What is he selling? Ubiquitous Mexican lager.

CHARLATAN

It’s insidiously clever, because the qualifier “I don’t always drink beer…” actually answer my first complaint which is IF HE WAS INTERESTING HE WOULD DRINK FUCKING INTERESTING THINGS LIKE ABSINTHE AND SPARKLING WINE AND WHISKY AND COCKTAILS THAT REQUIRE CRUSHED ICE.

FUCK.

But you see that’s the thing: the most interesting man in the world would actually have a need for a lame session beer. I still don’t believe it would be Dos Equis. It would be the most popular adjunct lager that originated from the country his hijinks were occurring in. So, Quilmes in Argentina while he ran a casino on the president’s yacht, Estrella Daam in Spain when he had to fly an emergency shipment of tomatoes to the Tomatina festival, Chang in Thailand where he spent a summer courting the illusive jewel thief the CIA can only identify by her alias “Grey Fox”, and so forth.

But really, you know what I think of when I think of the most interesting man in the world? I think of sherry. When we talk about a timeless sense of unimpeachable class that sets the bar for a life worth remembering, it is always sherry.

Sherry is not for everyone. The first time you try it, it will probably comes as a shock. Just like the first time you tasted coffee. Just like the first time you ate your steak cooked a proper medium rare. Just like your first shot of Fernet Branca. Just like the first time you fired a gun. Just like the first piece of sushi you ate. Like the first time you got hit in the face. Like your first kiss, the first time you try sherry you may not be sure exactly how to proceed- but if you’re fearless, you have a really good idea.

Sherry is not old school. Sherry has been around before your great grandparents were knee-high to a toadstool. But make no mistake: sherry has always been cutting edge. You got the album? Sherry has it on vinyl. You directed the movie? Sherry wrote the book it’s based off of. You got a case? Sherry tasted barrel samples- at the distillery. You think that sherry is old and antiquated, for the elderly to sip on while playing bridge. You are wrong: sherry is sleeping with the lead singer of your favorite band. Sherry is watching the sunrise at café du Monde in a dirty tuxedo. Sherry is cutting the blue wire- at random, because sherry doesn’t know how to disarm bombs. Sherry got lucky, and was called a hero. He got a key to the city.

I refuse to attempt to explain sherry. The idea disgusts me. That you would want to know sherry’s life story. No. When you meet sherry, he will be in the middle of a story. Of a heist. Of a party. He will invite you, as all congenial hosts would, to join in the madness. I implore you to accept the invitation. I cannot emphasize how much you have to gain from hanging out with Sherry.

One of the greatest mistakes I feel like we (sommeliers) make when trying to get someone to try sherry is attempting to explain how it is made. In general, we forget that the details that we find fascinating in wine sometimes bore the living hell out of our guests. They want to know why it’s important to them. This is fino. It’s going to taste like this, and it’s going to taste like this with your soup. It’s going to be so delicious you’re going to weep. If you want to know more, I’ll tell you. However, I feel like the most interesting wine in the world does not and should not dwell on his resume. He is living here and now, and he doesn’t have time to explain: he needs a 9-volt battery and lighter, and he needs you to trust him. Sherry is wearing a parachute, and as the cargo bay doors to the airplane slowly open, depressurizing the cabin, he looks back at you and says cryptically, “If you never ask, the answer will always be no.” 

I’m not even going to try to tell you what sherry tastes like. I want you to go to a restaurant, or a wine shop, and I want you to find out for yourself. The most interesting wine in the world isn’t going to wait for you, but he loves company. Sherry cannot guarantee your safety. Maybe you have no reason to trust him, but you should.

There is a lot of good sherry readily available in Houston. My wine geek friends and I are doing everything in our power to make sure that more arrives. We are seizing the shipments on the docks at gunpoint. We are hacking the importer’s mainframe, and rerouting palets of En Rama to be sent to the streets of Westheimer. We are draining the drinking water reservoir, and replacing it with sherry. That’s not rusty water coming out of the showerhead, its Oloroso. Good morning!

If you let him into your life, Sherry will burn your drinking routines to the ground. Maybe that wasn’t what you were looking for, but you will be glad you let chaos into your life. You can both walk away from the fire in slow motion, and not flinch when it blows up behind you. Light a good cigar on the flames, it goes well with Pedro Ximenez.

I don't always drink wine, but when I do, I prefer the most interesting wine in the world. 

Drink sherry.

The Diary of an Angry Bird

It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane. – Phillip K. Dick

The Abyss doesn't blink when it stares back.

I’m driving a few mixologists to the airport, and I drive past Arnie’s Party warehouse. I see a huge LCD sign lit up in the early morning light that shows grown men and women wearing poorly made, baggy Angry Birds costumes. The tagline almost causes me to swerve off the road:

“Get these angry birds costumes for your next angry birds party!”

Fire ants are crawling on the surface of my brain. The whole world is vibrating, and I feel like space and time are going to split ways and catapult myself and the rest of the universe into oblivion.

Get these costumes for your angry bird party? NO. We live in a world where it is not absurd for this sign to assume that I have already thrown an angry bird party and that I must have these costumes for my  N  E  X  T  Angry Bird party. I need these costumes so I can step my game up for what is, at the very least, the second angry bird party I have hosted.

This is real. It happened to me. This sign looked into me and said, “I know you’ve already attempted to throw an Angry Birds party. That party was a fucking farce. It’s time to move up to the big leagues and get Angry Birds costumes for next time. For next time. FOR NEXT TIME.”

My mixologists haven’t slept and are chatting boisterously, but I can’t hear them. I’m in another world entirely. This is the second time I have seen this sign in this context. I didn’t notice it the first time. Now it is standing between me and my mental stability, like a thug blocking me in an alleyway. “Going somewhere?” it asks, leering.

I can smell menthol cigarettes and badly madeirized sherry in the cabin of the truck, and the visions are crushing me like a cartoon piano being dropped on my head.

Can you see it?

A soldier in Afghanistan use a laser to designate a children’s hospital as a target for an angry bird predator drone strike. He lights up an Angry Bird cigarette as the drone flies overhead (painted like the red bird). It launches an Angry Bird Hellfire missile that causes half of the hospital to collapse. Hundreds of innocents are killed along with the target of interest, a heroin dealer who was selling the purest smack in the Arab world, in tiny little Angry Bird baggies. This is how the United States avoids the political ugliness of straight up assassinating people: by having drones do the killing that real humans used to. Politicians defend our use of drone attacks during a televised debate on The Angry Bird News Network. They wear tiny, carefully placed Angry Bird pins on their lapels.

On the other side of the world, on a happier note: Yoni Maltzman has an Angry Birds Bar Mitzvah in Brooklyn.  His parents served Angry Birds Chardonnay (from Brda in Solvenia, fermented with wild yeasts) and Angry Birds Berliner Weisse, (a special bottling from Kindl). He received and Angry Bird Mont Blanc and an angry Bird Rolex Submariner from his grandparents. His parents were somewhat wealthy from selling Angry Birds cellphone GPS receivers. They gave out Yarmulkes that said “The Bar Mitzvah of Yoni Maltzman 08.24.12” with different Angry Birds on them. You visited Brooklyn last month, and you found one of the Yarmulkes in the street.

I’m forced to go back to reality at work. I think I’m safe. We have a great night at the restaurant. We deck brush, we do all the closing sidework, and I leave. Dreaming of the impending pasta Tuesday.

I show up at Paulie’s on Tuesday morning. I say hi to all my friends, and out of the corner of my eye, I notice colorful new cookies in the cookie case. I’m not a huge fan of sugar cookies in general, but I love that Paulie’s cranks them out like crazy and always has some kind of design that has something to do with current events, usually a holiday. If I had to eat a sugar cookie, the only one I can imagine enjoying is from Paulie’s.

I look in the case. The cookies are Angry Birds. The blue one. The Green one. The red one. I feel like my jaw can’t drop hard enough. If my lower jaw just fell off, that would convey how the cookies made me feel. Paulie and The Birds have declared war on my sanity, and I can’t help but laugh, hard. During lunch I do my best to pretend that I don’t feel like the target of a massive Angry Birds conspiracy. Paulie’s is my oasis from the madness of everyday life and the service industry. And I’m slightly disturbed the Birds have found it.

Later, at a wine tasting, I ask a friend: What is your favorite Angry Bird? They answer immediately and sincerely, and I weigh the pros and cons of making a giant scene. I decide against it. I’m the one being unreasonable by freaking out about The Angry Birds, I tell myself.

Time passes, and I find myself sitting at the counter of Greenway coffee. I’m googling persimmons. Chef might do a persimmon dish, and even though I tasted one at the restaurant, I’m completely out of ideas for an interesting pairing. Sparkling rose just sounds too easy. I wish someone would make a persimmon lambic. Could I call Cantillon and beg them to make me a persimmon lambic? Nope, for a lot of reasons. I picture myself in the dining room of Oxheart:

“With your first course, the persimmon dish, we’re pouring Angry Birds lambic. This one is flavored like the red one, with notes of tart cherries, raspberries, red currants, lemon, and some sweet baking spices from barrel maturation. Please enjoy.”

One time a guest said, “I would just love to be a fly on the wall for when you and chef talk about how to do your pairings.” What I didn’t mention is how boring the scene would actually be. We exchange fewer words than usual when it comes to pairing. Mostly because chef trusts me to pair whatever I want, and he only really protests when he thinks what I’m doing is completely nuts. People will be angry if you have a pairing with no red wines in it, Vann. They will be angry birds. So I yield. He's usually right about these things, and is good at helping me reign myself in, wine pairing-wise.

I’m back at Paulie’s, and I’m drinking more wine, perhaps slightly overindulging. My friends and I are probably being slightly obnoxious. I’m glowering at the cookies. I remember that I have a wine tasting to go to at 10pm. It was 2pm at the time. Later that evening we’re finishing some Lillet rouge and soda, and I’m bummed because I want to do an aromatized wine pairing with Karen’s mousse cake, and this won’t do it justice.

I ask my friend to give me a ride to the tasting, which is just down the street. As a joke I sit on the hood of the car. She starts driving, and suddenly I’m possessed by the desire to ride on the hood of the car. I dig my hands into the cover of the hood and yell, “DRIVE”. The best thing that happened all weekend was her humoring me, and driving me to a very fancy Burgundy tasting on the hood of the car.

LCD Soundsystem’s “Losing My Edge” is playing in the car, and I love that goddamn song. It is all too easy to replace the lyrics with my own world:

I used to work in the wine store.

I had everything, before anyone.

I was there, drinking champagne with the masters in the lazy river of The Four Seasons at Los Colinas, for TEXSOM.

I was there, buying cowboy boots with Serge Hochar.

I was there, at the first Hospice de Beaune auction.

I was there, for the first Summer of Riesling. 

I was there, watching the forklift drop a pallet of Velvet Glove, and laughing psychotically.

I hear that you and your chef have sold your liquid nitrogen tanks, and bought a pacojet.

I hear that you and your chef have sold your pacojet, and bought liquid nitrogen tanks.

I hear everybody you know is more relevant than everybody that I know.

She’s doing a good job of braking gently, and I honestly wish she’d gun it. I wish she’d power slide out onto Montrose, and floor it. I wish she’d accelerate to over 100 miles an hour and slam on the brakes. I’m sure I’d be gruesomely killed, but I could experience the impossible dream of flight, of being an angry bird. I look up at the moon, see the trees whizzing past, and even though I feel a sense of peace, I am still nervous about what I’m going to pair with the persimmons. A sweet potato dish might even happen. I’m not sure, but if it does I’m moderately sure I could pull off a Gewurztraminer with it.

I picture the funeral. Justin Vann lived as he died: an Angry Bird full of wine. That would be the story of me. An open casket, my face painted like the yellow one, my favorite bird. The wake? An Angry Bird party. Obviously.

I wish Paulie would make scary cookies, like the poison skull and crossbones. Perhaps a cookie mushroom cloud. A cookie AK-47. How many bowls of Canestri alla fungi would I have to order to have the clout to request a cookie chainsaw, speckled with raspberry jam?

I wish I slept more.

I wish I knew what to do with the persimmons. I’ll figure it out when I taste the dish. Until then I will panic.

I wish I could talk about what things are really bothering me. But it doesn’t matter because I can’t do anything about them. I am expressing myself the only way I know how, given the circumstances. I am selling my turntables, and buying guitars. I am baring my soul the same way one might dump a pillowcase full of Halloween candy on the ground. I'm proud and happy initially, but soon I'm going to feel sick.

So tell me…

What’s your favorite Angry Bird?

The City

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You can barely stand in the subway. You didn’t sleep before your red eye flight, but you had made it. The chaos of the station gave you your second wind, you felt electrified by the swirling maelstrom of people. You needed to go downtown. You remember being acutely aware of how much of a tourist you looked like, carrying your luggage. The tall foreigner walked up to you with an enormous camping backpack.

“You look like you just landed, friend!” He’s holding his hand out to shake yours, and before you can register that you need to extend your arm to shake his hand, you’re startled by a bell and a booming voice announcing the arrival of the R train.

“Are you trying to go uptown or downtown? This train is going downtown.”

The train ground to a halt and the doors swung open. “Uh yeah, thanks, I’m headed downtown.” You picked up your bags and followed him into the car. He sits down across from you and continues to be oddly friendly.

“So where you from brother?” He is grinning so hard and it is upsetting you immensely.

“The south.”

“Oh the south huh? They still ride horses there right?” He laughs. You were using every ounce of your concentration to be friendly and not fall asleep.

“That’s the crazy thing about the city. We’re all immigrants. We’re all strangers here. Sometimes the best option is to just try to make friends wherever you can. Like right here on the train!”

You just nod. He continues, “My girlfriend is studying finance at the university. Do you want to see a picture? I’m staying at a hostel so I can have enough money to take her to dinner at Bleeding Edge. They hired a geneticist, and they’re splicing different vegetables together in these crazy ways. They made a tomato that has twice the natural MSG as a normal one! I can’t wait to show her.”

Next stop: central terminal. He’s fiddling with the giant backpack at his feet. “You got a girlfriend?’

As you pull up to the massive terminal platform you see droves of people. They’re running from your train. Then you spot soldiers. They’re sprinting with weapons towards you. The friendly foreigner's enormous smile has faded into terror. He's trembling. He unzips the backpack as the train stops. The doors explode open and three soldiers have guns on him, others are swarming towards the other doors.

“GET AWAY FROM THE BAG DROP THE FUCKING BAG”

He’s not listening. His hand darts into the bag.

“FIRE”

Three deafeningly loud gunshots blow an enormous dark splash of gore across the back of the car. The foreigner’s chest is torn open; bewildered he stares wild eyed at you. With his dying breath he’s choking on blood with tears in his eyes, “I’m running late.”

The bag falls over, three milk jugs full of black liquid spill out. The caps have wires and radio antennae sticking out of them. One splits open as it lands, and the thick black substance begins oozing onto the floor. You hear a hissing sound as the substance begins boiling and eating through the floor of the train car. It smells like gasoline and rotten meat, smoke is starting to rise from the hole. You’re already on your feet, holding your bags, shaking from adrenaline. You help a businessman kick out a window, while the soldiers are yelling “SEAL TERMINAL EIGHT WE NEED AN IMMEDIATE LEVEL 4 QUARANTINE”

You’re running. Soldiers are tackling people left and right, you and the businessman slam through the emergency exit next to the turnstiles. Your lungs are burning as you sprint up the stairs with your luggage. Finally you exit the subway, the sunlight is blinding. You didn’t plan it, but you were standing in Central Square. Back home people told you, “It looks just like it does in the movies, so big and bright and full of activity.” You’re about to vomit. The buildings are all lit up and moving, the streets are choked with people dodging you and the business man, and you can feel vertigo setting in as the whole city begins to tilt forward. You sit down on your bag and try to concentrate on your breathing. The businessman looks at you, and wipes blood off of his shirt with a handkerchief, “I JUST fucking had this suit dry cleaned. Fuck.”

…

You finally wake up in the dining room.  The sommelier was pouring sparkling Nerello Mascalese and complimenting you on your choice. You had landed almost 36 hours ago. You pick up your phone, the battery is low. A text from your chef. You drank a lot last night. Were you hungover? How did you get to the apartment?

Your phone beeped again.

Chef: Make sure you don’t look down.

Your friends are talking about their jobs. You’re barely listening, instead relishing all the sensory input creeping into your periphery now that you were finally cognizant. The dining room was chilly, white, and sterile. A team of servers swoop in, and drop plates in unison. The sunlight felt good against your face in the cold dining room.

“Sweetbreads with pickled peaches. Please enjoy.” You noticed the clear squiggle of a concealed earpiece. The cute one in the glasses places two fingers on her earpiece, befuddled by a message she just received. Behind you, you hear a server quietly swearing into a concealed microphone in his cufflink.

“Confirm hold fire on table eight, they are eating slow as fuck… What do you mean how slow? There will be peace in the Middle East before this asshole is done with his sea urchin. Sorry.” He glides in front of you to face your table, and smiles warmly.

“How is everything tasting, ladies and gentlemen?”

You can barely contain yourself as you search your mind for the most pretentious reply. “Tremendous. Decadent. Exquisite.”

Later, the mignardises were presented. A weary server pulled a rope of fresh marshmallow out of a crystal jar with sterling silver tongs, and cut them with a pair of thick, polished scissors. He meticulously placed them on a tiny dish, and put them on the table. You joked, “I really want to steal those scissors from you.” He looked at you like he was about to burst into tears, and you wonder if perhaps he would prefer you stab him with them instead. The thought grew in your head as you chewed: how many of these people could I take out with the marshmallow scissors before I’m subdued?

Your visions of blood-spattered marshmallows were interrupted by another conversation, “I heard they hired a magician for their front of house.”

…

On the subway you stared at the wall of the tunnel through the window. You thought you saw something. Movement. Human figures in the darkness. Staring back at you through the pillars as they rushed by. You heard someone ask, “How many calories are in a hit of DMT?”

At night you went to the bars. You went to Death & Co, Callsign, and Wetwork. You walked to them, using navigation software on your phone. A gorgeous woman at Wetwork was wearing a white t-shirt and had a tattoo on her shoulder of a skull vomiting blood. She ordered a wild weasel and a bouncing betty. “You can just close me out. I’m going to a party after this in the garden district. Takashi Murakami will be there.”

In the city everything lit up, everything moved. Advertisements, political ideologies, and art crawled on everything. Not like at home, they were aware of you. They scurried away when you flicked on the lights. They followed you to the train. They read your texts when you held your phone too far from your body. As you stared into them, they watched you back, more closely. They studied you.

Your phone beeped:

David: Don’t look down.

You: What does that even mean?

David: There is reality to that place that you have to absorb while you’re visiting. Don’t look down, you’ll miss it. Tell Kitsune I said hi.

Past the cellphone, you see the sidewalk beneath your feet light up with an advertisement for diapers:

THE GENETICALLY PRIVELEDGED DESERVE TO DIE

You board the subway, wasted. You sit down and look to your left. A SWAT team in full combat gear, assault rifles and all, is sitting and chatting. The young one takes off his earpiece and reaches in his pocket. He pulls out a box, opens it: a diamond ring. “You think she’ll like it?” The older one smiles weakly, “It’s one hell of a beautiful coffin nail, son.”

As you walk off the train, you notice it’s 4am. You pivot on your heels to face the other side of the track and see construction workers and soldiers working around on the other side of the tracks. You see a construction worker throwing something in a wheelbarrow: bones. On of the soldiers looks at you sternly and motions for you to move on, explaining curtly, “Repairs.”

…

On the patio at Box Nasty the next morning, Kitsune is smoking like a chimney. “I’m leaving early. You’re more than welcome to crash in the suite, it’s all paid for.” She takes her sunglasses off and rubs her eyes, perpetually hung over, “On one condition!”

“You have to bang some hot girls in the suite. It’s got a rad balcony. For banging.” You rolled your eyes.

“That’s what I need. Some hotties. I need to go get some chicks. Just get them, like at the store. You’ve always got the answers Kit. You’re a genius.”

“I swear to god you better! I’m gonna have the bellhop go check on you. I’m gonna be like ‘If you don’t hear fucking, kick him out!’” A family eating in the next booth was visibly annoyed at Kitsune’s candid request.

“I don’t do that. I’m not here for that. This is my vacation.”

“Oh you’re going to a bunch of restaurants and bars huh? Doing a little research and development are we? When you’re dead from working too hard, you will look back on your life and think; I should have devoted more time to getting laid. I should have been more like Kit.” Kitsune has a tattoo of an AK-47 on her forearm.

“Look, this is your first time here. I don’t know what the hell’s going on with you. You’re dealing with some shit clearly. You need some good old-fashioned sex with a stranger to clear your mind. I know you haven’t done that before.” The dad from the family is getting up, presumably to tell Kitsune to stop yelling about fucking. She holds her arms out to the sides like a TV prophet, “What better place to do it than your first visit to the center of the world?”

Outside you see a telephone pole light up. Rolling text in glowing blue lights drips down the pole with an advertisement for bottled water:

VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY UNIVERSAL CURRENCY

Your eyes follow the lights to a storm drain. You saw fingers interlaced into the mesh that disappeared as quickly as you spotted them.

“I can get you a reso at Fulcrum if you want. I ate there last night. 75 courses. Did you hear they hired a theoretical physicist? They’re the first restaurant to use a particle accelerator. ”

“I’m sorry Kit, but I think all my funds are tied up in getting hot bitches now.”

“That’s the spirit! My flight leaves in 4 hours. Make me proud by Tuesday or I’m disowning you.”

…

In the city everyone has a phone. To play music, to read books, to play games. The tourists and the locals both use their phones to find directions. When there were fewer satellites, they would triangulate the position of the receiver. Now, there are over 500 at any given moment hovering over the city. Navigation service is slower from a glut of conflicting data.

The people who remember life before phones are getting old.

On the subway, a man who smells terrible tells you, “The first Predator program just read emails. The newest one is called Predator X. It reads everything. It pulls information out of the air, and maps out reality. From cameras on the street, satellites, radios. And of course cell phones. It goes way beyond facial recognition software. It tracks the forces acting on most molecules on the planet.” He pauses, “The military sold it to a soda company for a trillion dollars.”

More bars. You went to The Stanford Prison Experiment, Rikki Tik, and Stop-Loss. Outside, the bouncer spots you immediately, “You’re with Kit. Come in, any friend of hers is a friend of ours.” Inside, the bartender hands you a menu. “You just missed Damien Hirst.” Next to you, a man in a suit asks “How many calories are in a Colombian Necktie? Can you make a low-calorie version?”

You ordered a Diplomatic Solution. “We don’t have the ingredients for that.”

On your way out through the patio at Sleeper Cell, you run into one of the bartenders on accident. You pull back and notice she is gorgeous. She smells like burnt matches and you can smell absinthe on her breath. She has a tattoo on her neck of a switchblade. Slowly she looks up at you and blinks, drunk.

“You’re tall.”

“You smell good.”

Back at your suite, she’s annoyed. “You’ve never done this before?”

She’s just wearing a tank top, and you’re just wearing jeans. You’re both smoking on the patio. It looks out into the city, which goes on as far as you can see, a nightmare kaleidoscope of lights and movement. There’s a cool breeze that carries the smell of a match to you as she lights another cigarette.

“I have a boyfriend.” She seems pleased with herself. “You don’t talk very much.” Why do her matches smell so good?

You collected yourself, “I actually talk all the time, for my job and otherwise. Its just that I’ve never been to the city before, and I guess I’m trying to shut up and pay attention.”

She gets up and walks inside, “fair enough.”

“But don’t worry, I have a boyfriend too, so I’m certainly not judging you.”

She jumps back outside “Really??”

“Just kidding. Sorry to disappoint.” She was definitely disappointed.

“I’ve always wanted to fuck a gay guy. Lame.” She’s back inside, rooting around in the bathroom. “So what do you mean you’ve never done this before? Do you have a girlfri-“ she pauses, “Why is there a steak knife in the bathroom?”

You were washing your face that morning when you accidently pressed the stopper into the sink. It wouldn’t come out. The sink was almost full of water, and you thought to yourself, it’ll drain slowly. But it didn’t. The hotel had a “pillow menu” of different sizes, covers and fillings. But it didn’t have properly functioning sink drains. In a fit, you took a steak knife from the dining room and stabbed it into the drain, and it actually worked. For the first time since you arrived you felt in control of something.

“Oh uh, I was going murder you, but you seem nice so I’m going let you live.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s a joke!”

 Your phone beeped:

Kitsune: Fuck or get out.

You: I don’t like girls. Just alcohol.

Kitsune: DO NOT SQUANDER THAT SUITE. Be a man. That’s an order.

You: “Be a man” always means, “do something stupid or reckless”.

She’s back on the patio, wearing all of her clothes this time. “So you’ve got a girlfriend then?” You pause for a long time.

“Not really.”

“Well it sounds like you have something.”

“She is definitely not my girlfriend. I think I’m done with girlfriends for a while.”

“Am I the first woman you’ve ever slept with that you weren’t dating?”

“Yep.” Her eyes widen, “Oh wow. You really are new at this.”

“Do you feel bad about cheating on your boyfriend?” She wrinkles her nose.

“He cheats on me too, so no. I guess we have an open relationship. It’s complicated, as they say.”

You look at your phone:

Kitsune: That is exactly how I meant it. Be stupid and reckless. You might learn something.

When you look back up, she is sitting on the edge of the balcony. Your stomach turns as you remember vertigo in Central Square and the smell of that poison on the subway. She looks over her shoulder at you, “How do I look?” She put her hands in her lap and pouts dramatically.

“You look like a pinup. You look like you’d be a painting on the side of a fighter jet.”

She looks genuinely flattered. She pats the edge next to her, “Come sit out here with me.”

“Not a chance in hell. I haven’t been sleeping, and I’m really uncoordinated. If I look down I’ll probably fall.”

She looks out into the city. The streets are groaning with yellow cabs, police cruisers, and sports cars. The streets are full of people, and it is 530AM. You can smell hot dogs cooking from rows of food carts, even from 30 floors up. She strikes a match on the bricks, and lights another cigarette. “A pretty stranger is asking you to sit with her on the end of your fancy balcony in the largest city on the planet. I’m visiting too. We’re never going to see each other again. Come sit out on the goddamn ledge with me.” She inhales deeply, and as she blows smoke, you can smell her, plus the cigarettes and those matches. You imagine that this must be what hell smells like, and you want to live there. She whips her head back around,

“It’s simple, just don’t look down.”

…

The next day you went to the park. You walked for hours. It was beautiful, and the people were great to watch. A kid eating a soggy sandwich in a fountain. A sweet old lady walked a massive wolf with horrible grey eyes. It seemed happy, content with the knowledge that it could kill just about anything around it. It must have weighed 250 pounds. You watched strangers kiss, and you watched one guy pick three different peoples pockets, he was really impressive. You counted a dozen musicians, hundreds of people jogging in stylish workout clothes. You walked past a beggar who pleaded, “I need tickets to the 530 seating at Access Granted. Please.”

You saw soldiers relaxing in the park. Overhead you spotted an Apache helicopter hovering over the lake. You overhead a conversation between some teenagers still in their school uniforms, “Beer doesn’t make sense in a tasting menu format, plus it just has so many calories, why do sommeliers keep trying to sneak it in?”

You went to the last bar on the list, Texas Sunrise. It was a mezcal bar modeled after a fallout shelter. The doorman told you smugly, “I’m good friends with Mark Rothko. No big deal.”

In the city everyone has to work harder just to stay alive. They have to move quickly, and stay focused or they will be trampled underfoot. They have to keep up with the latest trends in fashion, food, drink, and music. The city gets everything first before the rest of the world. People in the city have suspicions about what really happens below the surface, but they are too busy to really look for the answers. This is how the city keeps it’s secrets: by dazzling you, and drowning you with work.

When people visit they feel obligated to fit in. You walked as fast as the people you assumed to be locals, even after you had blisters on your feet. You felt charmed by the easy individualism the city promised you at every turn.

On the terminal platform, an advertisement for toothpaste lights up:

MORALITY IS RELATIVE

You rummaged through the suite for your stuff. You took the steak knife.

As you walk down the street with your luggage, you admire the enormous rats perched on the endless piles of garbage in the street. They looked healthy and confident. Back home the rats were smaller, and they feared you. Not these rats, they meant business. You hung your head, weary from everything. You had just enough money to catch a cab to the airport.

Your eyes met a grate in the street. You thought, if this thing collapses, I will fall 12 feet and probably break both my legs. Then you saw her, a little girl staring back up at you from the sewer. She was filthy and covered in rags. You panicked. She was standing in black water full of garbage.

“Oh my god, do you need help? Do you need me to get you out of there?”

She stared back, emotionless. She stood perfectly still, the streetlamp barely illuminating her. What were you supposed to do? What could you say? She wasn’t looking for help. You were both watching each other, bewildered by what you saw.

You calmed down, and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

She raised her hand and pointed at you. She spoke clearly, enunciating each word.

“Don’t. Look. Down.”

Industry Insider

Tell me about the podcast you’re working on.

How’s the shop?

How many twitter followers do you have now?

Tell me about your readership.

Tell me what you do to unwind after a shift.

Is this the iPod you play during service? Can I listen to it?

What does your tattoo mean?

Tell me where I can buy Sine Qua Non.

Tell me where I can buy some Hitochino.

Tell me where I can buy Pappy Van Winkle 20 year.

Tell me where I can buy a Daisy Cutter.

Tell me what I’m tasting in this pourover.

Are ya’ll dating? Someone said you were dating.

Why did he get fired?

When is your last day?

Can you believe who they hired for their sous?

Tell me where you interviewed today.

What are your top ten places for Pho’?

What are your top ten white wines for summer?

What are your top ten places to find clean water in Darfur?

Do you ever wish you had chosen a different line of work?

Do you have an opinion about barbeque?

Do you have an opinion about ramen?

Do you have an opinion about tacos?

Tell me your real name.

Are you getting sleep?

Tell me who to talk to for a reservation.

Are you hiring? Someone said you were hiring.

Why are you moving to New York?

Why are you moving to San Francisco?

Why are you moving to Singapore?

Who threw the first punch that night at the bar?

Is it true that your food truck is bulletproof?

Is it true that mixing the chemicals to the glassware dishwasher makes poison gas?

Is it true that your POS system is the same computer they use to guide missiles?

Do you know the real reason they went out of business?

How much money do you make in tips a week?

Can you give me your recipe for micheladas?

Can you give me your recipe for buckwheat pancakes?

Which chemical synthesis do you use for crystal meth?

Weren’t you the first person to start cooking with liquid nitrogen?

Weren’t you the first person to serve orange wine?

Weren’t you the first person to use block ice?

Weren’t you the first person to roast your own beans?

Weren’t you the first person to forage for garnishes?

Weren’t you on television?

Who were you talking to on the phone just now?

Why don’t you do another pop-up brunch?

Can you help me staff my pop-up speakeasy?

Tell me how to get into that new pop-up opium den.

How old are you?

Are you happy doing this?

Do you serve bud light?

Can I just get a glass of the house red?

Can I just get a grilled chicken breast?

Can I bum a cigarette from the dishwasher?

Are you going crazy? Someone said you were crazy.

Tell me about your new blog post.

What does it mean?

Who is it about?

On Poison and Roaches

-->

My roommate and I are doing battle with roaches at our apartment daily. We have bought an impressive amount of poison to destroy them, so much so that our lives are probably in greater danger than the roaches’. Poison is one of several jokes du jour.

“What is that really nice vegetal note I’m tasting in this quiche? Is that pineapple sage?”

“No. It’s poison.”

“Nice.” *keeps eating*

I went to the grocery store to buy more roach poison. The clerk pointed out to me an environmentally safe, less toxic roach poison. I politely declined and bought the most poisonous one I could find. In my mind, I fantasized about telling the clerk what I really wanted: the most terrible roach poison that the brightest minds of our generation could create. A roach poison that would be contained in an ominous metal case, handcuffed to a navy SEAL. You would have to sign waivers, give up your rights against search and seizure, and it would cost tens of thousands of dollars. It would kill roaches, and all other carbon based life. When applied, it would literally cause the air to burst into flames. Even speaking its name aloud would open up a chasm in the earth from which demons would clamber out of to drag the innocent back into the jaws of hell.

I think our working title for the poison was "Raid: Apocalypse". 

Raid: Sum of All Fears edition

…

What kind of amaro did you use in this cocktail? Poison.

How do you keep your hair looking so shiny? Poison.

What are you planning on doing during your vacation? Drinking poison. Poison and snorkeling.

I think killing roaches is a mission that unites just about everyone in this world. There aren’t a lot of people standing up for roaches, and those that do get ostracized pretty quickly. Maybe killing roaches is the only way all of us non-warlords can perpetrate genocide. Take out the garbage. Fold laundry. Wash the dishes. Then spray poison gas on a roach hospital. Drop cluster bombs on the playgrounds that the roach children frolic in. Bury landmines outside of roach city hall. We are selecting dense civilian roach targets of massive cultural importance. We are burning their roach holy lands to the ground. Massacring entire roach continents- every time leaving a sole survivor. As it backs away in horror we lean in close and whisper, “tell the story of what happened here, tell your friends what is about to become of them.” The roaches run from their homes, gasping for breath, and we cut them down from helicopters. We crack jokes and laugh as we force the roaches to dig their own graves at gunpoint.

Dear roaches: I am going to step on you.

Every time I draw my boot away from the mutilated corpse of a roach, I laugh and imagine that on the day we have to meet our makers, they will tell us what horrifyingly bad karmic implications our casual roach slaughter have for us.

“Justin, you will be reincarnated as a toilet brush, for killing a million roaches in your lifetime.”

“What?! No! They’re gross! They carry diseases! I had to!”

“They’re cleaner than you were. They had hopes and dreams. You killed them. Now you will contribute to cleanliness in the same way that roaches fastidiously clean themselves.”

“Goddammit.”

“Yep!”

I still step on them.

79 words

So esquire has this short story competition. Write a 79 word short story. I submitted one. This isn't it, but I am enjoying the challenge:

A 30-block radius was choked with National Guard. Inside the apartment, Brian sat down on Rocky’s couch.

“Can we talk about it?” he asked, gesturing towards the doomsday device.

“No. Would you like a brownie?” Rocky pushed the plate of brownies towards Brian.

“Very cake-like.” Brian mused.

“Exactly. That’s why I’m going to set the whole world on fire.”

“You’re going to end the world over brownies?”

“They were supposed to be fudge-like.”

He sighed and pushed the button.

A Zoo with No Tigers

Once upon a time there was a young man who loved animals.

He liked how different they were. They were different sizes, different shapes. They had different colors, and different textures. Some had scales and some had fur. Some could fly and some could swim. Some were fast and some were slow. He didn’t care- he loved them all. The Texarakana Tigerbat. The Arctic Lemonchad. The Peruvian Riverbear. They were so neat.

So he studied to be a zookeeper, like all animal lovers did. He got a job at a zoo. His job was to watch after the animals with the other zookeepers.

...

After a short amount of time, he noticed the tigers. You see, everyone loved tigers. People came to zoos for the tigers, mostly. Tigers are great, the young zookeeper reasoned. They’re big, fast, and colorful. What’s not to like? What he didn’t understand was how people fixated only on tigers.

The older more experienced zookeepers said “Kid, tigers are where the money is. People love them, and our job is to give the people what they want.”

He understood that supply had to meet demand. But his heart broke in half when he saw the sad, lonely animals that everyone rushed past to see the tigers. The neon flamingos. The waltzing sandpiper. The old tigerbats stared back at him through the glass with hopeless eyes, and it destroyed the young man inside. He would beg people to look at the jeweled spidersnakes in the reptile exhibit. “Please, they need love too!” he would say it as nicely as he could. But they came for one reason: tigers.

A long time ago someone decided tigers were the best animal, and enough people agreed with them that all the zoos decided that they needed to have as many tigers as possible. They would pay mountains of money to get the best tigers. They would charge more to see the really good, expensive tigers. The zoos that couldn’t afford nice tigers just tried to get as many as possible. The young zookeeper went to another zoo where they painted a donkey the same colors as a tiger. People were satisfied. “Close enough” they said.

It made him sad, and it made him angry. He wished he could meet whoever arbitrarily decided tigers were the best. He would punch them right in their stupid face. 

...

The other animals would die of loneliness. They would stare out of their crudely constructed habitats at a sea of people walking past to see tigers in their big beautiful habitats. “I promise I’ll change this.” He said to the nine-toed watersloth. He would lie awake at night, frustrated with his fellow zookeepers who supported the tyranny of tigers. “Why rock the boat?” they said.

Tigers paid the bills. They kept the lights on. “Tigers are what give us the ability to have any other animals at all.”

The young zookeeper was depressed. Every once in a while, there was a breakthrough: a little girl with a book on rainbow lemurs. A young couple that wanted to see the Chinese rocket squid. They were the exception to the rule. The zoos were groaning with tigers- fat, stupid, lazy tigers. They knew they weren’t going anywhere. They waited for the zookeepers to bring them steaks.

...

One day, when the zookeeper had almost given up, he got a call from another zookeeper friend. He wanted to start a zoo of his own, and he needed help. The young zookeeper didn’t feel young anymore. He looked tired and haggard. He was beaten down by a world run by tigers. He got offered another job as well- at Mega Zoo, making lots of money feeding tigers. He was going to do what he saw everyone else doing. But he waited. His friend didn’t have much money. The proposed site was tiny. It would be one of the smallest zoos. It obviously wouldn’t work, the young zookeeper told himself.

But then he thought about the tigerbats. He thought about how happy the different animals made him. What if he could find an audience for the thousands of animals that the world had ignored? He started asking his friend questions. Did he have a plan? How would they make money? Who would the other zookeepers be?

He had a plan. So the young zookeeper wrote a letter to Mega Zoo, “Sorry,” it said. “I’m going to help my friends open a Little Zoo instead. I’m sure someone else can feed your tigers.”

Building the little zoo was hard. It tested the resolve of all of the zookeepers. But they thought about the animals. They built a zoo they wanted to visit, a zoo they had only seen in their dreams.

“Nobody’s asked me about tigerbats for a long time, young man.” The animal salesman said. “How many do you need?”

“All of them.” On the other end, the phone clattered to the ground.

…

On opening day, they braced themselves. People flooded in. The question was coming. And then suddenly a young woman asked it and the hall fell silent: “Where are the tigers?”

The zookeeper paused and collected himself.

“We don’t have any tigers. Our zoo is small so we focus on stranger, undervalued animals. I would love to show you our Peruvian riverbear. They can hold their breath for ten months. Our bear, Zanzibear, has been holding his breath since we got him two months ago.”

The zookeeper had known only disappointment for so long. He was ready for the young woman to go crazy. A zoo without tigers? What was he thinking? He should have signed with megazoo.

Then something remarkable happened. Without missing a beat the young woman said “I’ve never heard of anything so strange! We would love to see him!”

The young zookeeper was stunned. Was it really that simple all along? He didn’t have time to figure out why, because the moment had arrived where someone wanted to see the riverbear. He could barely contain his excitement. “Right this way!”

…

At another zoo, the zookeeper eavesdropped on visitors at the tiger exhibit, which was ten stories tall. “I don’t understand, Little Zoo was cool I guess, but why don’t they have tigers? That’s a no-brainer.” Another person chimed in “A zoo without tigers won’t last long. They’ll be out of business by this time next year." They smirked, "Serves them right. ”

The zookeeper almost said something, but before he could a little kid exploded out of nowhere, dressed in a neon razorcrab costume.

“Tigers are everywhere! You can see tigers ANYWHERE else!” he said, pointing a neon green claw at the tiger palace. Everyone was staring now “It is OK if ONE ZOO doesn’t have tigers!” His fuzzy crab antennae were quivering with anger.

The world was hostile to the notion of a zoo without tigers. But the little kid in the crab suit gave the young zookeeper hope. Everyone laughed. “Get this idiot kid out of here.”

The tigers slowly turned their heads to see the spectacle. They blinked, tired from eating so much steak.

“Hey kid.” The kid wheeled around, his face bright red, tears welling up in his eyes. The young zookeeper raised his hand to solicit a high five. “Sweet costume.” 

"Thanks! I bought after I saw one at Little Zoo!"

…

The group of young zookeepers never got rich, and they never got famous- but they were happy, and the animals were happy too.

The electric flamingos glowed brighter than ever.

The riverbear chased the rocketsquid endlessly, to the delight of every onlooker.

The tigerbats were allowed out of their habitats, to fly around the zoo. They shot through the sky faster than the speed of sound. “I never knew they could do that!” people would say.

The zookeeper watched the tiny crowds oooh and aaah with a sense of satisfaction. This was his mission: to give all the weird little forgotten animals the audience they rightly deserved. He fought for the animals, and for the people that wanted to see them. As the tigerbats raced into the sunset, he promised himself he would try to create a world where people appreciated all animals equally for how weird and awesome they are.

Everyone still loved tigers. They would love tigers forever. To this day, tigers are the lifeblood of the zoo business. But that was ok, because the young zookeeper had finally found happiness by showing people something different.

In a zoo with no tigers.