A positive letter to Anheuser-Busch

Dear Anheuser-Busch,

I have been seeing your products since I was old enough to remember visual stimuli. I have only recently formed a concrete opinion about your beers, as I have only been paying close attention to beer for about a year.

I think those Clydesdales are super cool.

So Stompy!

Your best selling beer is Bud Light, and it's an adjunct lager. The Beer Judge Certification Program in their 2008 Beer Styles guide defines Bud Light and its cohorts (Miller Lite, Coors Light, etc) as a
"Light American Lager".

This beer style is typified by

"Little to no malt aroma, although it can be grainy, sweet or corn-like if present."

"Very light body from a high percentage of adjuncts such as corn or rice."

"May seem watery."


"Designed to appeal to the broadest range of the general public as possible."

"Strong flavors are a fault."

Typical alcohol by volume range is 2.8 to 4.2 percent.

"Commercial Examples: Bitburger Light, Sam Adams Light, Heineken Premium Light, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light, Baltika #1 Light, Old Milwaukee Light, Amstel Light"

Hey little guy!

You know it's an adjunct lager. You know because you make it. Personally, I don't like any of the beers listed in the aforementioned commercial examples section, including Bud Light. As it is the number one selling beer on the planet earth, you are probably well aware that my lack of endorsement will not cause the brand to implode on itself. Because you absolutely print money. You are so rich you could probably have me killed. But why would you bother? Please spend the money you had set aside for assassinating me on making more Bud Light. Oh you were already going to do that? Ok.

I really will not stick my neck out and try to argue that your beer is inherently gross. I will only express my dissatisfaction with it in normative terms like "I personally feel that Bud Light tastes like a hate crime." I do know that a lot of people drink it for a lot of reasons, so it is pointless for me to really discuss the flavor or lack thereof in Bud Light.

What I want to talk to you about today, Anheuser-Busch, is your gimmick.

As I'm sure your Death Star market research department (or watching tv) will tell you, Coors Light and Miller Lite both have a ridiculous gimmick that they will not shut the fuck up about. I'd like to briefly rage about them with you:


GIMMICK #1: The Cold Activated Bottle

DONT DRINK IT YET                                                           OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT

I think Coors started this nonsense with a color changing label. This is a completely stupid gimmick that reminds me of the Hot Wheels cars that changed color in cold or warm water back when I was little. But I guess its not completely insane because it honestly does let people know the exact temperature adjunct lager becomes tolerable: cold as the apocalypse.

Plus, I must concede that I like the word choice of cold "activated" bottle. Its dynamic. It makes me think of "TURN YOUR KEY SIR". It certainly implies something more significant is going on when you chill the bottle other than some paint on the outside of the bottle changing color. Even though this gimmick does contain an iota of useful information, I still feel like its ridiculous. It's not like people are gently warming it in snifters or some crap. Its Coors Light. Any freedom-loving, redblooded American knows exactly how to drink Coors Light and ALL other adjunct lagers. Nuclear winter cold.


GIMMICK #2: The Vortex Bottle

IT MAKES THE SHAME GO IN YOUR MOUTH FASTER!

So I thought my intelligence was being insulted with the cold activated can, but my mind got real blown with the Miller Lite Vortex Bottle. Gun barrels are rifled on the inside- this is a series of small grooves that are in a spiral pattern. These grooves cause the bullet to spin as it exits the barrel. This helps promote accuracy and a further distance the bullet travels. Last I checked, this has nothing to fucking do with beer (except maybe someone shooting their television when they imbibe too much Miller Lite). Seriously, the only thing they can claim is that it promotes "marketplace differentiation". Which is an implicit concession that it has zero effect on anything that involves making Miller Lite taste better. "It's specially designed grooves let that great pilsener taste flow right out!" Oh my god, hang yourselves.


GIMMICK #3: The "My Bud Light" Bottle

You made a beer bottle that people can write stuff on? At first I was disgusted. How does this show me when the beer is ready to drink? HOW WILL I GET IT OUT OF THE BOTTLE WITHOUT A VORTEX? How does this gimmick explain, in the most insulting way possible, that this beer is cold and delicious and buxom women will flock to me as soon as I open it? How does it dodge the fact that this beer is THE DEFINITION of a cheaply made, mass produced, aggressively marketed opiate of the masses? It doesn't.

You put a blank canvas on the 1# selling beer in the world (albeit a small canvas). You didn't invent an arbitrary phrase like "Triple hop brewed"- which means nothing to people that love the beer and is a joke to people who know how these beers are actually made. You basically put an etchasketch on a beer bottle. For what feels like the first time ever, you gave up on trying to convince the world that bud light tastes good. Instead you gave people that drink bud light something that takes their mind far away from even questioning whether bud light is cold, refreshing, lady-attracting, or delicious. You used clever misdirection with a clever gimmick.

Anheuser-Busch, you did something that not only didn't piss me off, but it honestly made me want to buy your beer. Trust me, I won't actually buy Bud Light ever, but I want you to know that I think you've stumbled across something brilliant.

Hey, Miller-Coors, come in here, I was just talking to Anheuser-Busch. Yes this concerns you too.

Adjunct Lager makers of the world, hear my plea: everyone knows these beers are, by design, nearly flavorless. So can we please drop the act about how the beer tastes or how refreshing it is and all that crap? Bud Light, you put something genuinely novel on your beer bottles, and it has NOTHING to do with the flavor of the beer, the coldness, or the speed with which you can potentially consume it. That is awesome. You will never convince anyone who knows what they're talking about that Bud Light is a delicious beer. The people that do think its delicious probably don't care about real beer. So it would make sense to maybe market almost entirely on novelty.

Honestly, a vortex bottle is ridiculous. I think its stupid because you're implying it does something. It doesn't. As long as you're spinning bullshit, why not go all the way and be full on ridiculous? I have some ideas for all of you:

-Try the new Coors Light Magnetized bottle! It relieves joint pain, promotes mood stability, and enhances cell phone reception!

-Check it out bro, its the new Miller Lite Beer Bag! 75 bucks for an entire garbage bag full of beer!

-Hey Becky, have you heard about the new Lady Bud Light? Its Bud Light, but for us! *pink bottles with flowers and kittens and spatulas*

COMPLETELY NOT JOKING EXAMPLE: An adjunct lager in cans that has instructions on how to shotgun it. How to hold it, maybe a weak point in the bottom of the can that makes it easier to vent. It would be outlawed almost instantly, but you'd get famous as hell in the process.

BUT JUSTIN you say. OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS KILLED. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD THAN YOUR HATRED OF BEER MARKETING.

Oh you want a reference to current events while still staying topical? Boom:

Here we go!