Unrealistic Fantasy #1: Cans

Unrealistic Fantasy will be a recurring piece where I wish for something that I know in my heart will probably never happen.

#1: I think it would be cool if all alcohol would be available for purchase in cans.

The fantasy came to me somewhere between the announcement that some company in Panama has started selling Irish whisky in a can, and my discovery that Asahi was producing 1000ml cans. Whisky in a can (bad whisky) is a pretty insane idea, because if we learned anything from Four Loko, people don't consume cans in "servings". They drink the whole goddamn thing, and if its a can of Four Loko, they break into the zoo and try to fight/eat the animals.  Asahi was pretty cool, because they were making many different sizes of cans. It was the first time I realized that can size didn't need to be fixed on 12oz.

It finally took flight in New Orleans at Avenue Pub when hanging out with Liz Dowty and John Mitchell. We wondered out loud, wouldn't it be cool to have Charteuse in can?

I might also have learned how to shot gun beer less than a month ago (the enabler tricked me into it). I thought it would mar the reputation of beer and cans in my eyes. Far from it, it poured gasoline on the fire of curiosity.

Anyway, craft beer is getting up in everyone's face about how they're "taking back cans". Traditionally cans have been relegated to cheap gross adjunct lager. So in recent years, we start seeing high quality beers being put in cans. Some have been doing it for a while, some just started. This slightly irks me, because it reminds me of how annoying it was when the wine industry wouldn't shut up about screwcaps and how revolutionary they were. Every time someone told me how crazy it was when they tried plumpjack reserve in screwcap I couldn't yawn hard enough. Oh yes, vino-lock, glass corks. Please, tell me more. Either you want oxygen transfer or you don't, stop writing books and blog posts about closure methods. *stares at camera indicating I'm aware of my double standard*

But you know what? Cans are pretty utilitarian. They're incredibly light, they're easy to recycle, they're unquestionably airtight, and block 100% of harmful UV light. Its the ideal vehicle to pass to your girlfriend with a large purse to sneak into a movie theater (nothing is more embarrassing than dropping a glass wine bottle in a theater). Why is beer the only category that gets this kind of extreme utility?!

People, I'm tired of this. ITS TIME WE TAKE BACK CANS! FROM BEER DRINKERS!

We could learn a lesson from the beer industry: high quality booze can exist in cans. Nay, it should. With that, here are the top 5 things that will never be put in cans that I want to see canned.


#5: Nonino Picolit Grappa

Nonino was the first grappa distiller to ever produce a single-varietal grappa. They first did it in 1973, and they chose a rare fruilian white grape called picolit. This produced a grappa that was hauntingly delicious, driven by fruit and spice. They also pioneered the movement of putting grappa in beautiful, albeit maddeningly fragile decanters. It would only make sense that they be the first grappa producer to can their flagship grappa. If you subtracted the cost of the decanter, a 12oz can would run you about 100 dollars. They'd probably find a way to make the can a work of art. Nonino: a family of talented jerks.


#4: Orval

When it comes to beer, I am fiercely loyal to trappist beers. When it comes to trappist beers, I am fiercely loyal to Orval. Trappist monks are famously severe, but Orval is especially uncompromising among the seven trappist breweries. It only makes one beer (1.5 if you count petite orval), it only uses one bottle shape and size, and it doesn't package in kegs. Orval is a bottle conditioned Belgian pale ale, and it goes well with the food category of "everything". They are the perfect candidate for the first canned authentic trappist beer. A six pack of 12oz cans would probably run you about 35 dollars. And you'd look like a total badass if you showed up to anything with a sixpack of Orval.


#3: Chateau D'Yquem

Ok, if you're curious why you or anyone ever should like D'Yquem, check a few posts back. But basically, Chateau D'Yquem would be the most unbeatable one-upper at a party:

"Hey man, check out this beer! Its called 'gubna' and its an imperial IPA! In a can!"

"Thats cool man."

"What are you drinking?"

"This? 2001 Chateau D'yquem."

"Is it, uh, Belgian?"

"It's one of the rarest, most expensive dessert wines on the planet."

"How much did you pay for that can?"

"600 dollars."

"You're an asshole."

*sips smugly*


#2: Veuve Clicquot

So, I didn't mean for this to turn into an LVMH fan blog. And its really not, because I think LVMH has been an overall negative influence on the word of booze. But lets ask ourselves: what is the goal of LVMH? To inflate high end wine prices, and get rich as hell in the process. So, if LVMH was the first company to put true french champagne in cans, the novelty would be so outrageously profitable that money raining from the sky just seems inevitable. Veuve Clicquot is not the best champagne in the world, but it is one of the most recognizable and consistently solid quality. Nevermind the difficulty of designing a can that can safely contain 6 atmospheres of pressure- this is the champagne that needs to get put in cans, fast. Because holy crap, LVMH stands to make so much damn money from doing so. Points to Coppola for putting the Sofia sparkling wine in a can (I think they're way too small), but its time we had THE sparkling wine put in cans. Hey, CIVC, get on this now. You'd likely pay something around 25 dollars for a 12 oz can.

However, if LVMH did want to put the best champagne in the world in cans, I'd be cool with that too.

#1: Fernet Branca

Fernet Branca is already WAY too popular within the bartender and sommelier communities, but goodness gracious, can you imagine how hard we'd all lose our jobs and wind up in the gutter if they started making fernet branca in CANS? Some of us would be hospitalized, others would become drifters, panhandling for just enough change to make it to that next can of Fernet. Want to wipe out the wine and cocktail industry in your city? Four words: Fernet Branca Vending Machines. For approximately 20 dollars a 12oz can, you can pretend to be a sommelier, and drink an unhealthy amount of Fernet in one sitting. It'd be a good joke to throw a couple into an icechest full of normal beer at a barbeque.

*guy blathering about something inane*
*pops cans and takes a big sip*
"OMG WHO POISONED THE BEER"

Curiously, beer nerds do not seem to be afflicted with an obsession for Fernet Branca. I don't know how you guys dodged the bullet on that, but good job. I do like Fernet, maybe just not as much as my peers would prefer.

Shout out to Argentina option: Fernet & Coke in a can. I bet that one could happen one day! Jack Daniel's proclaims "Jack and Coke: America's cocktail." as they release canned jack and coke. Thats cool. I'll be over here enjoying Argentina's cocktail instead.

So, that's it. I think cans are incredibly functional, and a bunch of fun. If any of these five boozes get put in cans, expect to see me wearing something like this, with zero irony: